“I love you“. That was what he said before he fucked her the first time, then in the coming years.
Some would jump with excitement at the three magic words “I Love You”. But to a certain young woman, it made her convulse in fear; made her jump out of her skin.
She still twitches her face every time she recalls the painful ordeal. Every time a man says he loves her, she gets confused still if he meant he wanted to fuck her or if it’s just an expression of feelings. 18 years later, she still carries the scar buried deep in her sad eyes.
She remembers the day it happened. It was cold, moonless and pitch dark. Apart from the swooshing night air, the silence was deafening. She was just 7. He was close to 15. They shared a room and a bed as the boy was just out from his boarding school. A weekend break she recalls. He was just another family, a brother she recalls.
She was asleep. She then woke up to someone pulling her pants down. She saw the boy trying to get on top of her. She asked what was going on. He told her that they were going to practice love. Yeah, “Love” was what he told her. He shushed her saying this was what happens when people love each other. She was just 7. She did not know what was happening. She believed him.
The searing pain and the heavy weight upon her, it almost choked her. With tearful eyes she prayed to God that she did not want to love anyone. That she did not like loving people.
The following days and years, she remembers being angry with God. Angry for not answering her prayer. She remembers telling her mother the next day that her vagina hurts. The mother simply gave her medicines for urinary tract infections. (How will the mother know that her own nephew was fucking her only daughter?) She never told her mother or anyone else after that.
Back then, she hated every time the boy came back for his break. She hated him fucking her not because she knew it was a crime called “Sexual Abuse”. She hated it because it was just too bloody painful. How she wished she knew it was a crime back then; that people were more open about “Child Abuse”.
Yes, she was just 7 when it all happened. She grew up thinking love meant sex. She grew up hiding her fears in her eyes until the day she learnt how brutally she had been wronged. A reckless boy ruined her childhood. Pretending to be okay, that she has forgiven him for what he did to her in years is the hardest act she has to put.
Don’t get her wrong, she still get shivers down her spine each time she sees him. But forgiveness, yes, is what she has chosen.
(53% of children in India are subjected to sexual abuse yet most cases goes unreported. The emotional and psychological scars with which victims have to grow up with is so heart wrenching!)